What Else Do You Want, My Firstborn?

 At the bank where I work, if people don't have photo ID and want cash or account information, we can ask them other questions -- things like last four of tax ID, mother's maiden name, birthday, at which branch they opened their account, and recent account activity.  Not all customers enjoyed being IDed before money is removed from their accounts.  The following exchange is therefore pretty common:

"I'd like $400 out of checking."

"Sure thing!  What's your mother's maiden name and last four of Social?"

". . . Seriously?  What else do you want?  My firstborn?"

And I can't help but wonder: what if I said yes?

Thanks to my colleague MF, who brainstormed the following with me!

April 1, 2022
 
From: Collections Department and Provisions Department
To: Inter-Realm Relations Department
Subject: Mutually Beneficial Proposal (see Resolution)
 
 
 

RESOLUTION FOR THE ACQUISITION OF ASSETS

 
 
WHEREAS it has come to the attention of the Infernal Bank that customers of lesser, Earthly banks frequently offer their firstborn children when asked for identification, and
 
WHEREAS the Infernal Bank Collections Agency is in permanent need of trained, competent Collections agents, and
 
WHEREAS the Infernal Bank Provisions Department is seeking a more varied supply of materials, and
 
WHEREAS the Infernal Bank’s interactions and contracts with Earthly banks have traditionally proven most profitable,
 
The Infernal Bank’s Collections and Provisions Departments hereby jointly resolve to immediately institute the Resolution for the Acquisition of Assets, details as follows:
 
 
PROCEDURE
 
Upon initial contact with the potential parent/parent of an unborn firstborn child (hereafter, Principal), Principal shall be offered the opportunity to sign away his or her firstborn child (hereafter, Asset).  Principal shall execute the Asset contract using no medium other than his or her own fresh blood.
 
Upon birth of Asset, it is Principal’s responsibility to notify the Infernal Bank within 90 days.  The Infernal Bank will deliver relevant State paperwork upon collection of Asset.
 
In all cases of multiple children born containing the same genetic material (aka identical twins and other identical multiples), all said children will be accounted as a single Asset, and Principal will be granted 10% credit as compensation; however, see Substitutions below.
 
Principal does not retain any right to information or property after or beyond transaction, including any information regarding the distribution of Assets.
 
 
SUBSTITUTIONS
 
Failure of Principal to make proper notification of Asset acquisition within 90 days will result in penalties, the severity of which will depend upon the duration of delinquency (see addendum, Penalties).  In the event that the Asset dies after birth and before collection, substitution may be made of a combination of a) Principal’s secondborn child within 90 days of birth, and b) 50% of Principal.  If a third child is born to Principal, Principal may substitute 100% of thirdborn for the remainder of part b) of the substitution (i.e., 50% of Principal).  In the case of identical multiples, substitution will instead be made of all multiples and no Principal, and no further compensation will be granted on either side.
 
In the case of Principal being unwilling or unable to produce Asset after five years (or five years after puberty, if contract is made with a prepubescent Principal), substitution will be made of 100% of Principal.  Thereafter, ownership of Principal shall continue under all circumstances, regardless of whether Asset is produced.
 

DISTRIBUTION OF ASSETS
 
Once acquired, Asset shall be subjected to rigorous training.  At the end of the training period, Asset will be given an aptitude test.  Asset will then be assigned to either the Collections Department as an agent or the Provisions Department as sustenance.
 
 
PARTNERSHIP WITH THE INTER-REALM RELATIONS DEPARTMENT
 
In order for this joint Resolution to attain optimal results, a partnership will be sought with the Inter-Realm Relations Department.  In return for its support, the Inter-Realm Relations Department will receive 0.1% of all Assets acquired, as follows: the 500^th Asset collected to be delivered within 14 days of collection and without any testing being performed on said Asset; and every 1000^th Asset acquired thereafter.
 
 
THIS RESOLUTION IS HEREBY APPROVED BY THE AUTHORIZED OFFICERS
 

 Krez Scheinen

Collections Departments Synthesizing Incarcerator Sovereign
April 1, 2022

 

Gluttonius Vomens

Provisions Department Gormandizer Supreme
April 1, 2022