Young Hooligans and Their Musical Expressions

Five or six cars full of Young Hooligans visited our apartment last night around 1:30 a.m. They brought impressively high quality amplifiers in order to share their music with the world. Unfortunately for them, our apartment complex prefers other genres, and before long the police added attractively flashing red and blue lights to the melee. With a last few dozen honks, the Young Hooligans found it necessary to flee into the night.

Before and After

Before and After

 

The day I got Flora: July 3, 2014.  She's 3.5 years old.



Christmas, 2014. I've had Flora half a year. She's 4 years old.

February, 2015

February, 2015

May, 2015. After I've had Flora for 10 months

 

Flora is now a fairly calm, happy dog.  This was not always the case.  After I adopted her (and the spaying drugs wore off), I found out just how bad the dog mill she'd lived the first 3.5 years had been.  I had to teach her how to use stairs.  She was alarmed by cars, which she'd never seen before.  She barked constantly at anyone (except me) who came in the room.  When people came to visit, she wouldn't stop barking until they left.  She basically had no social skills with anyone -- human, dog, cat, etc.  And Cavaliers normally love everyone.

 

Now, she barks when people come to the door but stops when I introduce them.  She will go up to strangers, tail wagging, although shies away if they move too quickly.  When alarmed, she looks to me and knows I'll take care of her.  She is very healthy and comfortable.

 

Dog mills, by the way, are places where dogs are kept for the sole purpose of breeding them.  The dogs in dog mills are vastly overbred, often kept in cages (sometimes in all weather), not fed properly, not exercised, and -- when they can't be bred anymore -- are disposed of, often killed.  Most dogs who come from dog mills are traumatized, have a variety of medical issues (in the females, distended uteruses are common), are not house trained, and have a variety of other problems.  Some have been beaten; all have been neglected.  Flora was lucky.  She was not unusually intelligent (the very intelligent dogs fare worse; I met several who never stopped trembling), she had an unusually sturdy constitution, she was fed enough (not good food, but enough), and she was rescued at only 3.5 years old instead of 7 or 8.

 

A lot of people don't understand about dog mills, or that there are respectable breeders and otherwise, and how to find out which is which -- so they end up adopting ill-bred, sickly puppies far too young (puppies shouldn't be weaned before 12 weeks; dog mill owners often do so at 6) from abusive owners.

 

If you're looking to adopt a pure-bred puppy, do your research.  Don't support dog mills.

 

If you're looking to adopt a rescue dog, still do your research.  Dog-mill rescues are not for first-time owners and will take a lot of care and positive ("clicker") training.  They will have unforeseen and often odd behavioral issues, and most have health issues.  But there are many other rescued animals who need good homes.  Mutts are often healthier than pure-bred dogs, and there are a lot of great ones out there.  Make sure you spay or neuter you pet, license them (it's cheap), get all their shots, and microchip them.  Buy or make them good food (dogs are omnivores.  Puppies need 25% meat, adult dogs 19%.  The rest of their diet should include a base such as oatmeal, brown rice, or yam, and plenty of fruits and vegetables.  It should also be varied -- just like yours should.  If you buy dry dog food, do your research.  Better quality dog food might be more expensive, but it'll save you loads of money in vet bills), with supplements if necessary, give them as much exercise as they need, bathe them according to their breed needs, and brush their teeth with enzymatic toothpaste every day.  And if they are small dogs, empty their anal glands as needed. 

 

Your pets rely on you.  They cannot walk themselves, feed themselves, let themselves out to use the toilet, vaccinate themselves, or brush their own teeth.  They need you and love you.  Respond appropriately.

The Day the Exclamation Marks Came

My new book of short stories, The Day the Exclamation Marks Came and Other Stories and Poems, is now out in paperback!  In celebration, and because the titular story is quite short, I've decided to share it will you here.  This story won the 2012 Frank Muir award for humor.

Enjoy!

The Day the Exclamation Marks Came

D.J. Natelson

The day the exclamation marks came began like any other.  I was out in the garden, weeding my Singing Daffodils—

Sunlight.  Soil.  Water.  Us.

We’re pretty.  Very pretty.

—vain little flora that they are, when something hit my head.  I thought it was a raindrop at first, and felt my hair for wetness.  My fingers touched something small and hard.  I drew it away and examined it.  It was a tiny black exclamation mark.

“What?!” I exclaimed.  I had only meant to ask the question, but the little exclamation mark had leapt from my hand and onto the end of the word.  “Huh,” I said, and went back to gardening.  Before long, however, more exclamation marks began to fall, splashing over my head and back, boring holes into my beautiful garden.  “You stop that!!” I ordered them, two exclamation marks jumping onto my words.  “You’ll hurt my daffodils!!”

My worries were unfounded; as soon as the exclamation marks hit the dirt, they burrowed into it and were gone.

I sighed.  There was nothing for it; I might as well go back to gardening.

After about two hours, during which it steadily rained exclamation marks, I stood and dusted off my hands and knees.  The Singing Daffodils were weeded and looked healthy.  I sang them a brief exclamatory ditty, returned to the house, and turned on the news.

“In an unprecedented event, exclamation marks have been dropping from the sky since eight o’clock this morning!  Let’s see what our weatherman has to say!!”

“Thank you, Jim!  It looks like exclamation marks have been falling all over the city!!!  Meteorologists are still trying to pinpoint their origin!!!  Some claim the exclamation marks may be extraterrestrial!!!!”

I switched channels.  A politician was making a speech: “The massive influx of exclamation marks into our economy can only be beneficial!!!”

Well, that was good to know.  I turned off the television and went to take a shower.

Wherever they came from, it seems the exclamation marks are here to stay.  Despite myself, I have to agree with the politician: they seem to be a good thing.  The Singing Daffodils certainly like them:

Sunlight!  Soil!  Water!  Us!

     We’re pretty!!  Very pretty!!

As for the exclamation marks which buried themselves in my garden, they’re flourishing nicely.  Better yet, they help keep the weeds away.  I can hardly wait until autumn, when they’re fully grown.  I shall have to harvest plenty of seeds for next year.

Illegal Downloads

Illegally downloading an e-book so you don't have to pay for it is, of course, stealing.  I don't approve of it, and I will never condone it.  However, if you are one of those individuals who has stolen one of my books, there are two ways you can partially make it up to me:

1. Enjoy it and mention it to people.
2. Leave me a decent Amazon review.

Villains

 For anyone who wants to write a villain but needs some ideas, here's a chart I made up about a year ago. 

If you have an additions, I'd be happy to hear them.  In any case, this chart is hardly complete, and it certainly doesn't cover every villain ever. 

Some villains also fall into multiple categories. 

Anyway, this is food for thought.

 

 

	THE PERSISTENT/ UNSTOPPABLE ANTAGONIST	THE GAME-PLAYING ANTAGONIST	THE SEEMINGLY ALL-POWERFUL ANTAGONIST	THE ONE-TRICK/ HIDDEN ANTAGONIST	THE NEEDY/ DAMAGED ANTAGONIST	THE INTERNAL ANTAGONIST
THE HUMAN MONSTER	General Zaroff, Jumanji hunter, Anton	Gollum in the Hobbit,* the Master from Doctor Who, Hannibal Lecter, Moriarty	The Emperor from Star Wars, abusive parents	Voldemort, Visser Three	Syndrome, Jack Torrance, Gollum in TLOTR, Carrie	“Harvey” from Farscape, Timmy/Malcolm from Identity
THE INHUMAN MONSTER	Dracula, T-1000 from Terminator 2, Aliens	Other Mother, the Fairy Queen, the demon from the Exorcist**	IT from A Wrinkle in Time	Hexxus from FernGully	Some vampires	Antagonist from the Hollow City
THE ANIMALISTIC MONSTER	Zombies, Mummies, Velociraptors	Cat-like creatures		The Minotaur, orcs	Cujo
THE COLLECTIVE/ NON-HUMAN MONSTER	The Borg	It from Stephen King’s It	HAL, Big Brother, Sauron,* haunted houses, possessive force in Event Horizon	The Birds and other plague-swarms, etc., the Langoliers	Some aliens, Audrey II	Legion (Mark 5:9)***
THE NON-MONSTER	The principal from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off		Aliens that have Superior Alien Syndrome	Future Cute Animal Friends	Professor Snape,*	Antagonist from the Bird’s Nest

*=debatably

** I haven’t actually seen the film, so I can’t swear to this.

*** From the Bible.  There was a possessed man who had a legion of demons in his head.  He clearly wasn’t happy about it, because he asked Jesus to help.

 

Motivations: power, programmed instructions, instinct, survival, greed, insanity, desire, best intentions/wish for autonomy, revenge/punishment

Meet Flora

Flora is a Blenheim-patterned Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.  She is three-and-a-half years old, 20.4 pounds, sweet, happy, healthy, rescued from a dog mill . . . and, as of yesterday, the newest member of my family.  She likes to curl up and nap by my feet or on my lap while I work on the computer.

Invisible Words

Although I’ve always written and probably always will write, my profession is editing.  I’m a substantive editor, which means that in addition to doing copy-editing to make flow all nice and pretty, I get to comment on things like characterization and continuity.  No book is without flaws (or typos, alas), and being a critic before publishing is in many ways more satisfactory than after, because it gives the author a chance to fix the problem.  Since I’ve been editing, I’ve begun to notice a few trends.

One of the most interesting of these trends is something I think of as “invisible words”—that is, words most people (including many editors) will never notice are overused but that nevertheless deteriorate the quality of writing. 

You can fix some of these over-usages with a simple find/replace search, but the phrasal repetition will require an external editor.

Almost every author has certain words he or she really likes to use.  When these are uncommon words (susurrus – I’m looking at you, Terry Pratchett), this is noticeable by even the average reader.  For example, I learned the word “bumptious” from Diana Wynne Jones.  She uses it twice in The Lives of Christopher Chant.  That’s all I needed – a single repetition, and it became noticeable. 

Bumptious is not an invisible word.  Invisible words are words that almost no one notices because they are so common.  They include:

really, just, very, even, all, so, well, oh, indeed, rather, little, bit, of course, now, right, still, already

I once wrote to delicately tell a superb internationally bestselling author that he used “little” on almost every page.  As you can see, invisible overused words are often adjectives or interjections.

There are also invisible sets of words, including:

all right, at least, at first

These are not, of course, comprehensive lists, and all writers overuse different combinations.  For example, in sentences and not including examples, I used the word “all” four times in this entry.  Did you notice?